What is consent in BDSM?

I’ve often heard at trade shows and on the networks, especially regarding vampire paddles, “Ah no! Never use that on me!”
And that’s the whole point of BDSM: if you don’t want a certain practice, no one has to make you!

What is consent?

Consent is the act of agreeing to something, at a given moment, with a specific person, under defined conditions.

Consent must be :

Enthusiastic: Not forced or coerced, the person agrees with what he or she consents to.
Revocable: If a person consents to something at a given time, he or she can stop consenting to it at any time and ask for it to cease.
Informed: To give consent, the person must know what is going to happen, or what is planned, and be aware of the risks to which he or she will be exposed.
Affirmative: The absence of a “no” is not equivalent to a “yes”. Consent must be discussed and approved.
Mutual: All parties involved must agree to participate.

How to ensure consent?

Before

It’s important to discuss beforehand with your partner what you might consider doing, if there are things you don’t agree with, what the limits are and how each of you will be able to express that you don’t want something, including a safeword if desired. Some people call this “negotiation”, as each person lays out on the table what he or she is comfortable with, and forms the framework for practice afterwards.

During

Even if everything has been discussed beforehand, remember that consent is revocable, and that the situation can change as a result of many factors.
Not only will you need to keep the safeword in mind, but you’ll also need to check on your partner’s condition regularly.
Don’t hesitate to ask the question “How do you feel?”, and stay alert to your partner’s reactions.

After

Discuss what you liked, and what may have been a problem, so you can fine-tune what works for you, and what you might or might not do again.
Commonly known as debriefing, this can also be done with a report discussed afterwards.
It’s best to discuss it the next day or a little later, when emotions have subsided and you can take stock.
Don’t hesitate to talk about it at the time, if necessary.

Who does consent concern?

Consent concerns everyone involved.
By all persons, we mean the submissive person, the dominant person or the top/bottom person, depending on the situation, the public and the partners.

It is commonly accepted that the submissive (or bottom) person must consent to what is being done to him/her, but the Dominant (or Top) person must also be consenting and not feel or be forced into something that would not suit him/her.

Public consent generally depends on the venue.
At parties and BDSM events, the rules of what is and isn’t allowed will be indicated to the public, and certain rooms may be dedicated to particular activities, allowing the public to avoid being confronted with them if they don’t want to.
It’s important to be informed and to respect the rules of these events.

In a non-BDSM venue, it’s essential to be sure of what people are willing to see.
If it would be inappropriate to ask, it would also be inappropriate to do so.
Public exposure to an uninformed public goes completely against other people’s consent.

As far as partners are concerned, whether you’re cohabiting, in a civil union, married or in any other form of partnership, it’s vital that the other person is able to consent to what you’re doing, at the very least by not hiding it from him or her.
Practicing BDSM without informing your partner does not allow him/her to consent, and implies a form of deception.
Talk to your partner about your inclinations, and he’ll tell you whether he agrees to you doing it with others, and if so, whether he wants to be kept in the loop or not.

What is a BDSM contract?

A BDSM contract is a formal agreement, often made in writing, but it can also be oral.
It’s a fairly well-known form of consent in BDSM, but it’s ultimately neither compulsory nor all that common.
It’s important to remember that the BDSM contract has no legal contractual form. It’s simply a way of formalizing certain desires and limits between BDSM practitioners.

Who is the BDSM contract for?

For people who like this formal, clearly defined aspect, who appreciate or can feel reassured by establishing the framework in this way.

Can the BDSM contract change?

Yes, of course, as consent is revocable, certain limits fluctuate and the relationship itself is evolving, the contract will need to be flexible and reviewed over time.

What is a safeword?

A safeword is a word defined in place of the “no” “stop”.
It’s a word that means to stop the practice, at least to find out what’s going wrong.
Sometimes things can be resumed, sometimes not, and we’ll need to discuss this to find out.
The safeword must be understood by the participants and discussed beforehand.
The classic safewords are green, orange and red.
Green means all’s well
Orange for slow down
Red for stop.

If no safeword has been defined, a simple “no”, “stop” or similar should signify a cessation of practice, just as a safeword would.

What is a safegest?

Sometimes, using a safeword is either impossible or complicated.
Particularly if the person is gagged or the place is too noisy.
In such cases, a safegest is very useful.
It will also be defined by the participants and will have the same meaning as a safeword.
It can be a movement (avoid movements that can easily be triggered just by practicing), or an object to be dropped or waved.

What is a limit?

There are soft limits and hard limits, concerning different practices or levels of intensity in the relationship.
They can be defined in a contract or simply discussed.

Soft limits will be what the person doesn’t really want to do, or has a block, but could consider pushing back in the future, under the right conditions. (Offering the right conditions for pushing back a limit absolutely does not include forcing the other person or being insistent, but rather offering a serene and propitious framework, allowing enough confidence and physical and emotional security to be able to push back this limit gently).

Hard limits are strict limits that the person absolutely does not want to exceed, either now or in the future.

In all cases, whether it’s a soft or a hard limit, it should be considered as a point of vigilance not to be exceeded.

In conclusion, consent is an extremely important aspect of BDSM, and no one should force you into a practice to which you do not consent.

Want to know more about BDSM practices? Find out here

Ask any questions you may have in the comments, and I’ll be happy to answer them.
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